The Power of Time

I don't know where my parents got the idea. Maybe it was a parenting fad back then. Maybe it was just common sense. Regardless, it is still an effective means of communicating family values. As my sister and I entered our teenage years, my parents used a nifty strategy called 'Time.' One key to effective parenting is finding each child's 'currency.' What does your child value? It could be something tangible like money or food. It could be intangible like words of encouragement or spending time with friends. Honestly, for me it could have been reading!

My sister was the social butterfly and her currency was leaving the house to hang with friends. The rule was if you had 'time' you couldn't go. 'Time' was typically divided into 15 minute increments and any infraction would add 'time.' The infractions were things like giving attitude, not keeping curfew, or poorly done chores. Whatever your family values and is decided ahead of time in a family meeting is fair game.

My sister and I learned early on that if you had time, don't even bother asking. In order to remove time you had to work it off by doing jobs around the house. Some jobs like sweeping the kitchen were worth 15 minutes. Other jobs like weeding the flower bed were 1/2 an hour or a full hour depending on how large the weeds. My mother was always thoughtful in leaving a list of needed jobs and their time value on the kitchen table. This put the control back in our hands. We were on 'house arrest' until we chose to work the time off.

Another beauty of 'time' is its simplicity. When the child breaks one of the agreed upon rules, all the parent needs to say is 'you've earned 15 minutes of time.' This was enough to make an impact. My parents never needed to raise their voice or get angry.

This was a win/win for my parents. 'Time' accomplished discipline, reinforcement of family values, and a clean house.

A Parent Needed in Aisle 3

So I was at Lowe's doing a little home improvement shopping. Of course, my children wanted to ride in one of those extended cab shopping carts. And of course, the straps were broken on one side. I still haven't decided if those carts are a convenience or an inconvenience. With kids in tow and items in hand, I headed to the check out stand.

I roll up, greet the cashier, and hand her my items while my son hops off the cart. He heads straight for the impulse buys: candy bars, batteries, those knives that are also a pen/flashlight/screwdriver, and the impossibly misleading DIY magazines. I tell him to get back on the cart. He promptly does. So this is the weird part, not that my child got off the cart--we don't call him DistractoBoy for nothing. Not that I told my son to get back because I don't want him to break something and have to pay for it. Not even that he obeyed, although that is an infrequent event. No the weird thing is what the cashier said: "You don't see that every day."

That made me stop and think. What am I wearing? Is it public appropriate? Then I make a quick mental catalog of what just happened. To what is the lady referring? A guy shopping with his two kids? The broken cart? A boy looking at the POS? A dad telling him to get back? The boy obeying? Ah!

"What? The fact that a parent tells their child what to do and he does it?" I ask.

She just smiled.

What a jubilant, and self-affirming moment for me as a dad. Her comment to me said: I have well-behaved children. Which IS something I need to hear every once in a while. But her comment also said: How sad that most parents don't have control over their children.

I was reading Little House on the Prairie, by Laura Ingalls Wilder to my eldest daughter. I was struck by how readily the girls obeyed. For example, when wolves surrounded the house, Ma and Pa put the girls to bed. And they stayed there. Even baby Carrie, who I assume is still in the toddler phase, does not get out of bed.

What happened to that time? I go out in public places and become infuriated by parents who won't stand up to their children. Little boys kicking and hitting their mothers. Little girls full of contempt and attitude when denied a trinket. The parents take a laisse-faire attitude that kids will be kids. Parents, this is not a phase. This is an epidemic. When do you think they are going to learn those crucial lessons that 'no means no,' authority should be respected (regardless), punctuality is a virtue that is frequently rewarded, and self-control is a asset in becoming an adult.

As a middle school teacher, I often find myself in a position to tell parents: It is easier for your child to fail now than in the future. Academically failing 6th grade due to a poor work habit has little consequence. Academically failing 11th grade has major consequences. Academically failing college has serious consequences. The lesson is the same. The consequences get incrementally worse as time goes on.

So Parents, when do you want your child to "get the message?" Now or later?

For more information on parenting, I recommend the book "Have a New Kid by Friday," by Dr. Kevin Lehman.